I’ve got a lottttt to do before Christmas comes around !!
And I’m insanely busy. =X But s’allllll good,
because y’know what ? I’ve let God come back into my life
again, and what’s better than that ?!?
Time for bed.. long day ahead ! :]
There are so many thoughts just running through my mind.. I can’t even concentrate on one. I’m so A.D.D. right now. I’m just sitting here thinking about life and how I need to start living it and stop being so… whoever, whatever I am. And oh man oh man oh man I just don’t even know where to begin, the words aren’t coming, I think I’ll just quit before I even get started.
Something’s happening here, something great, something scary, something new..
I’m oh so cold…. I can’t get warm, no matter what.
I woke up this morning after a rough night, and everything was so perfectly okay, like God had just taken all of my burdens off of my shoulders and put them on His own, and I didn’t have to worry about them anymore. But then I came home from school, and I realize how horribly I mess up, day after day after day, and I can never do anything right, I really can’t, I’m a big disappointment, and you can’t deny it..
Life is such a mess at the moment. [ sigh ] :/
I feel like I’m just some big disappointment, or something.
Like I’m not living up to what some people want me to be, or expect of me.
And it’s frustrating, because I like who I am.. for the first time, I truly do.
I have come a long way, but I know that I’ve got a long way to go yet. I know I’m not perfect, and I’m never going to be, and I know that my beliefs aren’t going to be the same as someone else’s. And I know I’m going to make some bad choices in my life – it’s a given.
So right now I’m not the strongest in my faith, and maybe I should be bothered by it more than I am. But I just can’t be bothered an insane amount.. because before, the way I used to live, I was truly miserable, and now, I’ve found a place where I’m actually not miserable, a place where I am content, and I feel like this is where I’m supposed to be.. but that’s hard to explain to anyone besides myself.
I guess I’ll just have to go sit and have a talk with God.. He’ll tell me what to do.
I don’t really write on here much; mostly, I write in a notebook – seeing as I don’t have a laptop, it’s just easier with a notebook I can carry around with me wherever I go.
I’m learning to be grateful, especially for all of the little things – it is those simple, little things that make life so very beautiful. :] Things such as a smile from a stranger, a kind word from a teacher, a hug from a friend.. all of those things just make my day so, so much better, so much more full of joy, so much more full. It’s truly amazing how very far I have come these past couple days, out of a hole of depression and into a ‘marvelous light’. 
God is everywhere, in everything, and He loves you no matter where you are… how much more amazing can it get than that ?! No matter how many times I fall, even if I fall a million times in one day, He still loves me, and He still wants to use me, and He still won’t give up on me – that just puts me in total awe.
I am insanely blessed. :]
Did you know that I’m breaking ? I’m breaking, breaking, breaking.. I’m falling apart here. You keep telling me, through so many people.. that You love me. You love me, and You forgive me, and I just don’t get it, and I just want to run from You. I don’t want to hear that You love me. I don’t want to hear that you forgive me. I don’t deserve Your love, I don’t deserve Your forgiveness, Your mercy… I don’t deserve it at all.
So I run from it. I run and I run and I run, keeping busy busy busy so that I have no time to think, or feel, and then it becomes night and I’m so exhaused I fall right asleep ; no time to pray or read my Bible, right ?
[ sigh ]
But You keep running after me, and You’re always right behind me, and why are You here ? If I’ve given up on myself, why haven’t You ? Why do You keep coming after me ? Aren’t You tired of me yet ? I’m tired of me..
Yet, as I sit here and type this, something is stirring in my heart – dreams are forming, hope is returning, and I don’t get it ; must be a God thing going on. I just want it to last, to not fade away into the night.. like all the other times I’ve just fallen again and again. I don’t want it to be the same. I want a change here, something new… I’m tired of this old life. I’m so ready for something new.
Change me, Lord… take my heart and keep breaking it like this, keep tearing me apart, and put me back together how I’m supposed to be. Give me patience, strength, courage, hope.. oh Lord, give me hope.
Times – Tenth Avenue North
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it’s been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we’re close, I fear You
Still I’m afraid to tell You, all that I’ve done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I’m so tired of defending, what I’ve become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
“My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.
These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow’r alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends.”
Life is crazy, awesome, insane, hectic, confusing… so, so many things.
Lately I’ve felt SO incredibly close to God, like I was reaching this whole new level with Him – then today I just felt so blahh, and went back to old ways, and ugh. :/ But then I started listening to some upbeat Christian music, and reading the blogs of my other Christian friends, and things started looking up for me..
It’ll all be so okay, and I’ve got nothing to worry about.
God is closing doors for me [ the fact that I can't seem to get a job anywhere ], but opening others. I just received an email from my church Camp’s Jr. High Camp dean, and they’re looking for counselors, wondering if I was interested.. I surely am ! The week after that camp, I’m going to be there already, counseling for the Elementary Camp. See, if I had a job, I wouldn’t be able to do these sorts of things. Nor would I be able to do the Track camp that I go to each morning, or anything sweet like that. I’m completely trusting God here, that He knows what He is doing.. He’ll guide me on the path that He has for me, no need for me to worry about a thing. :]
I feel like I’m wasting my life. Like I’m not taking all of the opportunities given to me. As if I’m just walking around with this lukewarm faith, and not really living for Christ at all, and how do I change this ? How come I feel like I’ve been here for absolutely ages, years, lifetimes – and yet I can’t seem to get out ? I want OUT, I want to really LIVE for Christ, but maybe I don’t really want to live for Him as much as I think I do.. because if I really did, wouldn’t I be at least somewhere besides where I’m at right now ??
It gets frustrating, when all of these doors keep closing on me.. even more so, when I close them myself, then afterwards regret it. :/
But then I realize.. for the ones that I haven’t closed myself, there’ll be new ones opening, with better opportunities. That’s something to hope for, look forward to.. I won’t be stuck forever.
